Penny Blood's Black Book » Read This

Dear Tourist….

Penny Blood — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 09:10:27 +0000

Dear Tourist,

We are not known for being welcoming to tourists here in London. We have no patience when they try to scan their paper tube ticket on the oyster card reader, or when they insist on holding hands so they don’t get separated or when they stand on the left of the escalator when clearly no one else is. However the point where I feel really sorry for them is the sad and pathetic sight of a couple in an Aberdeen Steak House (guide books should warn that places like this only exist for the purpose of money laundering). I am actually extremely helpful to tourists, it goes against my nature, I hate to give favours, I never lend, I don’t take phone messages (even when I’m paid to) but when a tourist needs directions I will actually get out my pen and draw them a detailed map pointing out significant landmarks along way. I hate going to a new city and having no idea where to go. This is when you end up in awful places and your experience of a city is severely tainted. I am very particular about where I eat, where I shop etc.. you will never hear me say “that’s fine whatever, I’m easy”.

I am neither a food critic or food writer, I just love good food and stylish places and I don’t like to spend too much money, (mainly because I can’t). I also like to shop. Here I have made a list of the 10 best of my favourite places (and a few more) whether it be the best place for breakfast, dinner, going to the cinema or shopping. I am not interested in children or the outdoors, you will find nothing about parks, outdoor pursuits or where to take your children here. I will also refrain from using the following expressions yummy, groovy, edgy or trendy. I won’t give areas nicknames like calling Shoreditch ‘the ditch’, no one calls it that. I will also try to include good photographs. I’m not interested in seeing close-ups of napkins, why do travel guides insist on doing this? Pricewise I’m going for middle of the road, nothing too expensive but don’t come to London if you’re looking for cheap! I’m choosing places that are worth travelling from one side of London to the other for, this is not a local guide, I’m not trying to impress you with my ‘clever little finds’ if people haven’t heard of it it’s usually for a reason. In essence I am just paying homage to some of my favourite places in London.

Love Penny

What you won’t find in my guide

Penny Blood — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 16:45:32 +0000

So it turns out that many guidebooks are written by people who have never even been to the place. They are just cobbled together from other people’s research. This is no doubt one reason why the photos are ALWAYS SO RUBBISH. I can understand why. More often than not, when I ask to take photographs of somewhere the owner or staff look at me like I’m trying to hawk them used tube tickets. The Falafel King told me he would sue me and the Grocery in Shoreditch said they were going to call the police. Even when people are willing, you only have a short window to get a good shot as other customers get in the way and you start getting suspicious looks if you take too many, it really is a minefield. This probably explains why we are so used to looking at a picture of something the shop sells rather than the shop itself. My friends do get a little offended when I’m constantly taking out my camera and shouting at them to get out of the way.

There is also no shortage of websites listing places to go. To me these websites are boring, ugly and only useful for addresses and telephone numbers. A long list of reviews with completely contrasting opinions from a bunch of people I don’t know or have any idea what their taste is, is completely meaningless. How do I know if when someone dismisses Crazy Homies their favourite restaurant isn’t Nandos? It’s too much of a liability. At least here I’m fairly consistent and you will quickly garner what I like and what I don’t like and take it from there.

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Reasons why I won’t go somewhere

Penny Blood — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 22:07:44 +0000

STACKED CHAIRS. I find stacked chairs so offensive, anywhere, anytime. I swear I’m not being “I don’t eat the blue M&M’s” about this. I just can’t bear stacked chairs. Chairs should never be stacked, it’s such a strange idea to pile furniture on top of itself don’t you think?

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Tips on eating in a restaurant you can’t afford

Penny Blood — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 14:04:08 +0000

Here you will find ten of my handy tips on eating in expensive restaurants you can’t afford. It’s not that the food is always better, many of my favourite restaurants are some of the cheapest restaurants, it’s just that it’s important to be able to keep up and be in the position to say “Oh yeah the Ivy, the food tastes like M&S on a fancy plate” as lets be honest the same people who don’t know who Alan Yau are, are the same people who don’t know who Karl Lagerfeld or Barack Obama are.

My first piece of advice would be to go for lunch, breakfast or (a very) early dinner, it’s easy to get into Nobu as long as you don’t mind dining at 12pm or 5.30pm. This way you can say you’ve been and people will respect you more. I will respect you more.

Now remember, unless you are going to Gordon Ramsey who likes to show off by including foie gras, caviar, Kobe beef, truffles and saffron all in one dish, it’s the wine list that’s racks up the prices, not the food. So unless you order prime rib or the lobster you’ll still be able to pay your rent.