Penny Blood's Black Book » Afternoon Tea

Sketch the Parlour

Penny Blood — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 10:22:23 +0000

Often, I find the best way to ease into a conversation with someone you have just met is to talk about things you both hate – talking about something you both love inevitably can lead to who likes it more or who liked it first. With Sketch love and hate swing dramatically depending on whom you are talking to. I will find any excuse to come here but I think afternoon tea is my favourite pursuit. The Parlour is an eclectic mix of Louis XIV furniture and black perspex, modern yet tasteful Warhol style paintings of Kate Moss adorn the walls (I know this sounds awful but trust me it works ok). It’s totally Nouveau Riche but that’s better than No Riche at all. Afternoon tea is a tier of miniature scones and homemade jam with a pot of tea in a gold teapot. It will set you back £10 and is a complete rip-off but whatever. It’s one of the few places I will let get away with it. Sketch makes no attempt to hide the fact that it thinks it’s cooler than you are.

http://www.sketch.uk.com/

9 Conduit Street, London, W1S 2XJ
020 7659 4500
Monday – Friday 8am-2am Saturday 10am-2pm

Loafing

Penny Blood — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:57:49 +0000

On a sunny day I will tear myself away from a busy schedule of staring out the window and take a stroll through Victoria Park to a bourgeois little tea room in Lauriston village, find myself a good spot by the window and select a large piece of some kind of pie and a cup of coffee. “Key lime pie is made of what exactly? Kiwis and limes?” “ No, limes from Key West, it’s famous for it, it’s the only kind of pie you can get down there”, someone is telling someone else. The soft grey interior, brushed wooden chairs, wooden tables, wooden counter is a bit Laura Ashley, but I still appreciate it when people go for a look and stick with it – style is about consistency and the selection of pies, cheesecake, quiches, brownies and muffins, all home baked, are classic indeed.

http://www.loafing.co.uk/

79 Lauriston Road, Victoria Park, London E9 7HJ
020 8986 0777

The Cake Hole

Louis Pâtisserie

Penny Blood — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:57:14 +0000

Situated on Hampstead High Street, this little Hungarian patisserie has been here since 1963 and so have the waitresses. Staffed by a troupe of old ladies from behind the Iron Curtain they are Hungary’s finest export of communist charm. They briskly usher you to a table (if there is one, otherwise you are sharply and impatiently told to stop blocking the entrance) at which point, if you are ordering some kind of cake a tray is thrust in front of you to make your selection which had better be a quick one as they don’t have all day. However once you are comfortably seated in front of your slice of poppy seed cake or tiramisu with a nice pot of tea in surroundings that hark back to another era, it all becomes worth the infamous grisly service.

32 Heath Street, Hampstead, NW3 6TE
020 7435 9908
Monday – Sunday 9am-6pm

The Cake Hole

Penny Blood — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:56:43 +0000

Hidden at the back of ‘Vintage Heaven’, a vintage china shop on Columbia Road, is the perfect English tearoom. Then again that is the ‘look’ they’re going for; ‘a perfect English tea room’. They serve good tea and coffee and have a selection of the most delicious cakes (the best stodgy Victoria sponge cake I’ve found to date) bought in specially from the famous Primrose bakery in Primrose Hill all lovingly served on old kitsch china tea sets. It’s only open on weekends so on a nice day it’s advised to get their early as it gets full up and sold out fast. The furniture looks like someone has raided your grandmother’s living room and the walls decorated with a selection of gaudy tapestries I overhear the owner justifying as “…we’re going for a ‘Turner Prize look’, individually disgusting but it works altogether”.

http://vintageheaven.co.uk/

82 Columbia Road, Bethnal Green, London, E2 7QB
01277 215968
Saturday 12 noon to 6.00pm Sunday 8.30am to 5.00pm

Meals at Heals

Penny Blood — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:56:05 +0000

Situated inside the Heals store, Meals at Heals is so wrong yet so right with a description that can only start with “Once upon a time…”. It resembles something out of a fairytale. It has a pastel colour scheme and tables that look like they have icing dripping off them. It’s very Scandinavian, a fact that saves it from being either tacky or camp. As a Peyton and Byrne restaurant it does do spectacular cupcakes. It also does a proper lunch and brunch. If I were meeting a few friends during the day, I’d suggest here since it’s inexpensive and not too busy so you can stay as long as you like. It even has some large welcoming couches and it’s spacious so you don’t need to be conscious of other people listening in on your conversations and the staff are on hand but don’t bother you.

http://www.heals.co.uk/pcat/healcafe

Meals 1st Floor, Heal’s 196 Tottenham Court Road London W1T 7LQ
020 7580 2522
Monday – Wednesday 10am-6pm, Thursday 10am-8pm, Friday 10am-6.30pm
Saturday 9.30am-6.30pm Sunday 12pm-6pm

Bang Bang

Maison Bertaux

Penny Blood — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:55:22 +0000

Alexa Chung claims to love the strawberry tarts here, we know she never eats a strawberry tart, that’s the kind of crap celebrities say in weekend supplements. If you go here when the rest of Soho ISN’T and you manage to get a little tiny table with a French bistro chequered table cloth, tea in a bone china tea cup and a delightful little patisserie then you’re lucky as it’s quite special. Upstairs it’s more caff than patisserie but this only adds to the appeal. It’s the oldest patisserie in London and although it may not have the best cakes (although they are good), it certainly has the most charm. I’ll warn you though that the man who runs the place is a class ‘A’ asshole – he gives you all of three seconds to make your order then shouts at you to get out of the way.

28 Greek St, London, W1D 5DQ
020 7437 6007
Monday – Saturday 8.30am-11pm Sunday 8.30am-7pm

Louis Pâtisserie

Ladurée

Penny Blood — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:54:47 +0000

My friend is late but I’m already feeling pissed off. Fighting your way through Harrods is a depressing experience. It’s full of WAGS, poor families on a day out and rich Muslims laden down with bags of makeup to wear under their burkas that no one will see. Harrods is so tacky, anyone who knows better goes to Selfridges. Ladurée however is a diamond ring in a pile of shit. This snobby Parisian patiesserie is famous for macaroons and looking like a tearoom Louis IV and Ludwig II would have built in their love nest if they were alive today. The people next to me are eating croissants with a knife and fork which is winding me up. If you love French opulence, gateaux that will clog your arteries and confectionery that will bankrupt you, then you will love this place.

http://www.laduree.fr/public_en/maisons/londres_accueil.htm

Ladurée at Harrods, 87/135 Brompton Road, London SW1X 7XL
0203 155 0111
Monday – Saturday 9am-9pm Sunday 12pm-6pm

La Bouchée

Hummingbird Bakery

Penny Blood — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:53:59 +0000

My favourite thing about America (apart from their ‘no questions asked’ full returns policy which people exploit to the max and is reason enough alone to pledge allegiance to the United States) is that you are never far away from a good slice of pie. There is nothing I love more in the world than apple pie. I plan to emigrate just for the pie. Usually I put fashion before food, but in this case a good slice of pie just takes me over. You will be hard pushed to find pie as good in this country. However the Hummingbird bakery is the best I have found so far. They do all my favourites, apple, lemon meringue, Key Lime and although it’s not quite the experience I’m fond of (the Midwestern accent, the 50s apron, the free coffee refills are missing) it still fulfils the craving. They are better known for their fantastic cakes and cup cakes, but being situated in South Kensington (and Notting Hill) I would trade in the Sloanes for the truckers any day.

http://www.hummingbirdbakery.com/flash.html

47 Old Brompton Road, London, SW7 3JP
020 7584 0055
Monday – Sunday 10am-7pm

Primrose Bakery

Penny Blood — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:17:38 +0000

Perhaps a bit out of the way, but if you’re in London on a sunny day then it’s worth a trip up to Primrose Hill for a cup of tea and a cupcake. Half 50s tea room half old fashioned sweet shop, the American retro furniture and cabinet of cakes including cupcakes of every kind, Victoria sponge cake and raspberry coconut cake make it a little haven for all those who put food before fashion. Melrose and Morgan, the chichi deli across the road is worth a mention, if you would rather fill up on a hearty sandwich filled with delicious chutney and dead animal of choice before going across the road to stuff your face with cake. Nearby Primrose Hill has spectacular views of London and is one of the nicest parks in the city.

http://www.primrosebakery.org.uk/

69 Gloucester Avenue, London NW1 8LD
020 7483 4222
Monday – Saturday 8.30am-6pm Sunday 10am-5.30pm